Diary 

9:27 am. I woke up. For a second, I was ok. Then I remembered yesterday night. All the feelings. That there was two metal plates and mind was like in between and they were pulling each other as hard as the could and another red hot metal was sticking to my stomach. This is how it feels when I lose my hope. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to be hopeful at this specific subject. 

9:35 am. I’m not sleepy anymore. All the feelings from last night have been transferred to the moment. I feel them again. They won’t go away. 

11:45 am. I get out home. This ismy last hope to lose all the awful feelings. 

11 pm. I’m totally fine. Everything is ok now. 

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I don’t actually mean what I write.

When I write, some of my thoughts change. They might get better. They might get worse. Mostly, I accept the change and agree to my changed version of thought. But those are not actually my thoughts. 

This can be because of my lack of ability to find the words or put them together exactly the way I think. Or maybe it’s simply because there are not words for those feelings to make us express ourselves better. 

Imagine I have feelings for someone. I don’t love her. I don’t have crush on her. But she is somehow attractive. She knows how to seduce! But she is not sexy. The way she talks is …. idk! I can’t do this! You get my point, right?! (PS: I was talking about real person)

Now I couldn’t quite express myself there but there is another thing. I don’t really love her. But those words make me think “Oh! Dude! You have feelings for her…” but believe me I don’t! 

So after I write my ideas down, they get changed. And I accept that changed version of ideas as my original ideas which certainly is not. And then my life changes. I change. I fall in love. I talk like I’m in love…

This also happens when I’m talking to a friend. When I put my thoughts and ideas in “word format” they change and I can do nothing about it. 

Old days can’t be back 

Recently, I’m not OK. I used to get better. Everything was working great. I was happier, more energetic and calm. But idk what happened that old anxious, depressed, uncomfortable days are coming back. 

Maybe it’s because I’m thinking too much again. Maybe it’s because of Soma, the girl I used to love. I’m seeing her a lot lately. Idk why I want her to suffer. I want her to pay for… actually she didn’t do anything bad. But the fact that I even can’t blame her is killing me. 

She did nothing wrong. She respectfully rejected me. But I wish she had done something wrong! I mean she gave me nothing to blame her and calm myself. 

Or maybe my depression is not because of her. Maybe it’s just weekly location change that is making me feel bad. 

When I’m in Urmia, I’m all on myself. I wash my dishes. I clean everything. I study. I’m like a survivor. 

But when I’m in Tabriz, I’m “the only darling” there. My Mom and Dad does everything! I just do whatever seems fun to me. 

Location changes make me two different person. It doesn’t change that how much I want to have single personality. I’m different person in two cities. Maybe that’s why!

Or maybe there is the other reason that I’m not aware of. I just don’t want to be old depressed anxious Pouya. I want to remain being this new energetic, calm, does-whatever-he-wants Pouya. 

My internet friend

I didn’t believe that internet can help us make friends. I actually didn’t believe in internet friends. I thought those are not real and that’s not a friendship. She changed everything.

Her name is Youssera. I love her. I’m alone! No sisters no brothers. She offered me a sisterhood. You’ll be impressed by how she has changed my lifestyle.

Internet does bring people together. Make them connected. At least internet made us connected. I learned a lot from her. 

One example is that I used to hate girls! Yea! That’s hursh! But that’s what it is. But she made me kinda forget the idea that all girls are “bad”. Oh! And she hates boys! 

She is kind. She thinks cute. She likes guys with cool voices! That was strange for me at the first place. I actually thought of making my voice deeper! 

She is beautiful. Her hart is beautiful. Her thoughts are beautiful.

We know each other for almost 4 years. She has been there for me at my lonely times. There were times that she was there for me when nobody was around. I’ll never forget the time she made my summer. 

She is English student. She is funny. Not alll teachers are funny! She should actually add it to her CV. ! 

Her smile, the sound of her smile is awesome, unbelievably funny! I always laugh at her laughing sound!

She gives me this feeling that nobody else does. I feel my hart beat. A nice sense of positivity fills my body. And my brain thinks that I’m a lucky guy to be friends with her. 

She played a big role on realizing what I wanted from my social life. This is a big deal since I have spent a lot of time on this.

She is my bestie as we call it that way. I believe I can’t find any other friends like her. I didn’t believe that internet can make friends. 

What did I see in Urmia-Tabriz bus?

I get bored so easily. I usually can’t stand in one place for more than some seconds. I should change my position or move to other places. So as you can imagine, sitting still in a bus is a nightmare for me. 2.5 hours road not moving! So I decided to write what I see around here in order to distract myself.

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She is a cute woman. I like her. She looks like 25 or something. If she was younger I’d totally want to be her boyfriend!

Next to me there is my cousin sitting. Well he is sleeping. So we can’t talk through the road.

I think this bus is so old. Even its sits don’t have handles. And it’s coolers are mostly not working.

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There is another woman sleeping there. They are lucky they can sleep and suddenly open their eyes and woohoo! We arrived! I wish that was that easy for me.

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And that’s outside of the window!

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And for your information, writing didn’t work! I still can’t sit still!