I don’t actually mean what I write.

When I write, some of my thoughts change. They might get better. They might get worse. Mostly, I accept the change and agree to my changed version of thought. But those are not actually my thoughts. 

This can be because of my lack of ability to find the words or put them together exactly the way I think. Or maybe it’s simply because there are not words for those feelings to make us express ourselves better. 

Imagine I have feelings for someone. I don’t love her. I don’t have crush on her. But she is somehow attractive. She knows how to seduce! But she is not sexy. The way she talks is …. idk! I can’t do this! You get my point, right?! (PS: I was talking about real person)

Now I couldn’t quite express myself there but there is another thing. I don’t really love her. But those words make me think “Oh! Dude! You have feelings for her…” but believe me I don’t! 

So after I write my ideas down, they get changed. And I accept that changed version of ideas as my original ideas which certainly is not. And then my life changes. I change. I fall in love. I talk like I’m in love…

This also happens when I’m talking to a friend. When I put my thoughts and ideas in “word format” they change and I can do nothing about it. 

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My internet friend

I didn’t believe that internet can help us make friends. I actually didn’t believe in internet friends. I thought those are not real and that’s not a friendship. She changed everything.

Her name is Youssera. I love her. I’m alone! No sisters no brothers. She offered me a sisterhood. You’ll be impressed by how she has changed my lifestyle.

Internet does bring people together. Make them connected. At least internet made us connected. I learned a lot from her. 

One example is that I used to hate girls! Yea! That’s hursh! But that’s what it is. But she made me kinda forget the idea that all girls are “bad”. Oh! And she hates boys! 

She is kind. She thinks cute. She likes guys with cool voices! That was strange for me at the first place. I actually thought of making my voice deeper! 

She is beautiful. Her hart is beautiful. Her thoughts are beautiful.

We know each other for almost 4 years. She has been there for me at my lonely times. There were times that she was there for me when nobody was around. I’ll never forget the time she made my summer. 

She is English student. She is funny. Not alll teachers are funny! She should actually add it to her CV. ! 

Her smile, the sound of her smile is awesome, unbelievably funny! I always laugh at her laughing sound!

She gives me this feeling that nobody else does. I feel my hart beat. A nice sense of positivity fills my body. And my brain thinks that I’m a lucky guy to be friends with her. 

She played a big role on realizing what I wanted from my social life. This is a big deal since I have spent a lot of time on this.

She is my bestie as we call it that way. I believe I can’t find any other friends like her. I didn’t believe that internet can make friends. 

new semester and anxiety

I wrote this the night before I was going to the other city to study after summer vacation:

Tomorrow gonna go to Urmia. Back to college! I’m excited and happy but I have fears too. I’m afraid that all the bad things that happened there the other year (first semester), might happen again. I might fall in stupid love/crush AGAIN. Ok, That was not love but it was something more than crush!On the other hand, I think I won’t get depressed again. I think I’ll rock! Cause I’m talking pills! They won’t let me get depressed, right? They’ll take care of me.

Maybe I should just make a list of the mistakes that I should avoid this time:

Dear Pouya,

* Don’t listen to Blues 

* Don’t rush into having girlfriend! (Or finding “the one” [Or whatever!])

* Every time you get anxious, don’t relate it to the girl next to you! You are NOT in love, you just have anxiety disorder. 

* Don’t talk about girls with your friends all the time. This makes you think about a girl more than usual and makes your feelings to get out of control!

Overall, I think this semester is gonna be one of the best studying experiences in my life. I’m gonna meet new people, learn and experience new stuff, fnd out about new methods and enjoy living without anxiety. Because pills will take care of me. 

How do I manage to make every single day a great one? 

I wake up, check my phone a little bit, then brush my teeth. Here comes the important part! After I’m done with my teeth, I look at the mirror and thell my self: You are gonna rock! Today is the best they ever! You’re gonna get along with people very well! And then I applause my self. I jump up and down! And start my day. I started doing this a couple of months ago and the results were unbelievably awesome. After I say “you’re gonna rock!” I do rock! I do have a great day. Those words actually work on me. 

I used to think these stuff are stupid. For my whole life I didn’t believe that thinking positive works well on my life. Then as my psychologist suggested, I did try to give it a chance. And I realized that it has a significant effect on my mental wellness and every aspect of my life. 

You should try it. Try it for 2-3 weeks. Then you’ll see the results. Please tell me what you think. I love reading your opinions. Thanks:)

While blogging, there is more chance of self censorship 

I’m new to blogging. But there is one thing I want to keep sticking to and that’s not censoring myself. Writing whatever I want to. Telling whatever I like.

In Twitter, it’s easy. As I think about something, I tweet it. Done! The percentage of censorship is very low since the time for overthinking is less. But here there is a lot of time from having an idea to publishing it. So there is much more chance that I’ll censor my ideas for any possible reason.

Maybe I’ll censor it  because I don’t believe in it that much. Maybe I’ll censor it because I think I can’t protect my idea from criticism. Maybe I don’t think it’s rude at the moment but as I think at the procedure of publishing, I consider it as a rude idea and taboo of rudeness makes me leave the idea. Maybe, maybe, maybe… you get the point! The more time I have, the more chance of censorship.

Blogging is a great way to share your ideas, talk about them deeply and most importantly join a great huge community with lots of life changing ideas. But this censorship..! I honestly don’t know what to do with it!