It’s 3:05 am. I’m usually awake at this time though I have class tomorrow morning. There is this feeling of missing in my heart. It’s like my heart has become black and it’s not pumping anymore. A black heart which whole on it. This is my imagination of my heart right now. I usually imagine my heart in different colors and shapes when I’m in different moods. Since I’m using anti-depressants, when I forget taking my pills, I have a feeling of missing someone. But in that case Idk who I am missing. It’s just a missing feel. So it’s not real and it’s only because I’ve forgotten taking my pills. But now I’m really missing a real person.
Usually at this time of night I feel like writing. This time I feel like writing directly to her but it’s lame to post it on my weblog because why should I post a personal letter?! Plus this way in which I’m not directly addressing her, is easier for me to talk about my feelings. When u talk about them u feel better.
Usually when I ask myself why do I love her, I don’t have a clear answer. Maybe it’s checmistry or biological hormones and biomulculs that makes me feel like this so in this case no clear answer will ever be found. But maybe there is a real answer! Maybe it’s because she is so pretty. But honestly there r lots of other pretty girls out there. Why her? Maybe she is special. But honestly everyone is special. I hate inexpressive and incommensurable reasons behind this feeling of liking someone. I feel better when I find the actual reason. I always think the actual reason should actually be explained biologically specially in the way of evolution. Why do we feel we like someone? I don’t know!
What I do know is that I like her. It’s actually more than liking. It’s love. But I’m usually hesitant when it comes to love. There is this thing going in back of my head which says: is it really love? I actually don’t know what the “real love” is. What is its difference with liking someone a lot. What r the factors of the “real love”? Maybe I should google it. I’m sure there r lots of false articles about it.
Anyways, when it comes to love, I always compare it with the similar (not same) feelings I had with other 3 girls! Wow! It’s a lot! First one was really basic and immature. It was just a feeling of kindness towards a girl. I don’t call it love. I think never did. Second one was a little more mature but still is was so premature. I used to think about her all day and I couldn’t let it go. But I think she didn’t even know about my existence! It was just a crush. Or was it?! Was it more than a crush? Idk. It actually happened at my teenage ages when my hormones were not so much perfectly in control. But surely it was not love. 3rd one was better than the other two cos I actually tried to attract her! Again I used to think about her all day but I never thought of marriage. U know when u love someone, u think about marriage at least daydream about it. I never daydreamed about marrying any of those 3 girls. I knew it was not possible. I actually didn’t try to make it possible even in my dreams. Btw, at the 3rd one, I knew this feeling is gonna pass after a while. Although it took a year and half for it to pass! The question is: do u think about ur crush all day for a year and half? It was actually more than a crush but in order for it to be a “love” we should have been in a relationship. I don’t believe in love at the first sight! So just like that, I cannot clame that I am in love with someone if I’m not even talking to her. I think all these were something like immature and basic kind of love. Not completely love but apparently something more than a crush.
Now it’s different than all those three. This one is different. Yes! People always say it! This one is different. I do say it too. It really is. I’m talking to her. I love her. She claims she loves me. But I think still it’s not love at its %100 power. It can be stronger than this and it will get stronger if we actually get married and see and touch each other everyday. If we hug and kiss everyday our love will be more powerful and grow. It still has the potential to grow. To be a real love. Not that now it’s not a real love! It is. But it’s just not at its full potential.
Friends, pray for us.
When I write, some of my thoughts change. They might get better. They might get worse. Mostly, I accept the change and agree to my changed version of thought. But those are not actually my thoughts.
This can be because of my lack of ability to find the words or put them together exactly the way I think. Or maybe it’s simply because there are not words for those feelings to make us express ourselves better.
Imagine I have feelings for someone. I don’t love her. I don’t have crush on her. But she is somehow attractive. She knows how to seduce! But she is not sexy. The way she talks is …. idk! I can’t do this! You get my point, right?! (PS: I was talking about real person)
Now I couldn’t quite express myself there but there is another thing. I don’t really love her. But those words make me think “Oh! Dude! You have feelings for her…” but believe me I don’t!
So after I write my ideas down, they get changed. And I accept that changed version of ideas as my original ideas which certainly is not. And then my life changes. I change. I fall in love. I talk like I’m in love…
This also happens when I’m talking to a friend. When I put my thoughts and ideas in “word format” they change and I can do nothing about it.
I didn’t believe that internet can help us make friends. I actually didn’t believe in internet friends. I thought those are not real and that’s not a friendship. She changed everything.
Her name is Youssera. I love her. I’m alone! No sisters no brothers. She offered me a sisterhood. You’ll be impressed by how she has changed my lifestyle.
Internet does bring people together. Make them connected. At least internet made us connected. I learned a lot from her.
One example is that I used to hate girls! Yea! That’s hursh! But that’s what it is. But she made me kinda forget the idea that all girls are “bad”. Oh! And she hates boys!
She is kind. She thinks cute. She likes guys with cool voices! That was strange for me at the first place. I actually thought of making my voice deeper!
She is beautiful. Her hart is beautiful. Her thoughts are beautiful.
We know each other for almost 4 years. She has been there for me at my lonely times. There were times that she was there for me when nobody was around. I’ll never forget the time she made my summer.
She is English student. She is funny. Not alll teachers are funny! She should actually add it to her CV. !
Her smile, the sound of her smile is awesome, unbelievably funny! I always laugh at her laughing sound!
She gives me this feeling that nobody else does. I feel my hart beat. A nice sense of positivity fills my body. And my brain thinks that I’m a lucky guy to be friends with her.
She played a big role on realizing what I wanted from my social life. This is a big deal since I have spent a lot of time on this.
She is my bestie as we call it that way. I believe I can’t find any other friends like her. I didn’t believe that internet can make friends.
I wrote this the night before I was going to the other city to study after summer vacation:
Tomorrow gonna go to Urmia. Back to college! I’m excited and happy but I have fears too. I’m afraid that all the bad things that happened there the other year (first semester), might happen again. I might fall in stupid love/crush AGAIN. Ok, That was not love but it was something more than crush!On the other hand, I think I won’t get depressed again. I think I’ll rock! Cause I’m talking pills! They won’t let me get depressed, right? They’ll take care of me.
Maybe I should just make a list of the mistakes that I should avoid this time:
* Don’t listen to Blues
* Don’t rush into having girlfriend! (Or finding “the one” [Or whatever!])
* Every time you get anxious, don’t relate it to the girl next to you! You are NOT in love, you just have anxiety disorder.
* Don’t talk about girls with your friends all the time. This makes you think about a girl more than usual and makes your feelings to get out of control!
Overall, I think this semester is gonna be one of the best studying experiences in my life. I’m gonna meet new people, learn and experience new stuff, fnd out about new methods and enjoy living without anxiety. Because pills will take care of me.
I wake up, check my phone a little bit, then brush my teeth. Here comes the important part! After I’m done with my teeth, I look at the mirror and thell my self: You are gonna rock! Today is the best they ever! You’re gonna get along with people very well! And then I applause my self. I jump up and down! And start my day. I started doing this a couple of months ago and the results were unbelievably awesome. After I say “you’re gonna rock!” I do rock! I do have a great day. Those words actually work on me.
I used to think these stuff are stupid. For my whole life I didn’t believe that thinking positive works well on my life. Then as my psychologist suggested, I did try to give it a chance. And I realized that it has a significant effect on my mental wellness and every aspect of my life.
You should try it. Try it for 2-3 weeks. Then you’ll see the results. Please tell me what you think. I love reading your opinions. Thanks:)
I’m new to blogging. But there is one thing I want to keep sticking to and that’s not censoring myself. Writing whatever I want to. Telling whatever I like.
In Twitter, it’s easy. As I think about something, I tweet it. Done! The percentage of censorship is very low since the time for overthinking is less. But here there is a lot of time from having an idea to publishing it. So there is much more chance that I’ll censor my ideas for any possible reason.
Maybe I’ll censor it because I don’t believe in it that much. Maybe I’ll censor it because I think I can’t protect my idea from criticism. Maybe I don’t think it’s rude at the moment but as I think at the procedure of publishing, I consider it as a rude idea and taboo of rudeness makes me leave the idea. Maybe, maybe, maybe… you get the point! The more time I have, the more chance of censorship.
Blogging is a great way to share your ideas, talk about them deeply and most importantly join a great huge community with lots of life changing ideas. But this censorship..! I honestly don’t know what to do with it!