I don’t actually mean what I write.

When I write, some of my thoughts change. They might get better. They might get worse. Mostly, I accept the change and agree to my changed version of thought. But those are not actually my thoughts. 

This can be because of my lack of ability to find the words or put them together exactly the way I think. Or maybe it’s simply because there are not words for those feelings to make us express ourselves better. 

Imagine I have feelings for someone. I don’t love her. I don’t have crush on her. But she is somehow attractive. She knows how to seduce! But she is not sexy. The way she talks is …. idk! I can’t do this! You get my point, right?! (PS: I was talking about real person)

Now I couldn’t quite express myself there but there is another thing. I don’t really love her. But those words make me think “Oh! Dude! You have feelings for her…” but believe me I don’t! 

So after I write my ideas down, they get changed. And I accept that changed version of ideas as my original ideas which certainly is not. And then my life changes. I change. I fall in love. I talk like I’m in love…

This also happens when I’m talking to a friend. When I put my thoughts and ideas in “word format” they change and I can do nothing about it. 

new semester and anxiety

I wrote this the night before I was going to the other city to study after summer vacation:

Tomorrow gonna go to Urmia. Back to college! I’m excited and happy but I have fears too. I’m afraid that all the bad things that happened there the other year (first semester), might happen again. I might fall in stupid love/crush AGAIN. Ok, That was not love but it was something more than crush!On the other hand, I think I won’t get depressed again. I think I’ll rock! Cause I’m talking pills! They won’t let me get depressed, right? They’ll take care of me.

Maybe I should just make a list of the mistakes that I should avoid this time:

Dear Pouya,

* Don’t listen to Blues 

* Don’t rush into having girlfriend! (Or finding “the one” [Or whatever!])

* Every time you get anxious, don’t relate it to the girl next to you! You are NOT in love, you just have anxiety disorder. 

* Don’t talk about girls with your friends all the time. This makes you think about a girl more than usual and makes your feelings to get out of control!

Overall, I think this semester is gonna be one of the best studying experiences in my life. I’m gonna meet new people, learn and experience new stuff, fnd out about new methods and enjoy living without anxiety. Because pills will take care of me. 

How do I manage to make every single day a great one? 

I wake up, check my phone a little bit, then brush my teeth. Here comes the important part! After I’m done with my teeth, I look at the mirror and thell my self: You are gonna rock! Today is the best they ever! You’re gonna get along with people very well! And then I applause my self. I jump up and down! And start my day. I started doing this a couple of months ago and the results were unbelievably awesome. After I say “you’re gonna rock!” I do rock! I do have a great day. Those words actually work on me. 

I used to think these stuff are stupid. For my whole life I didn’t believe that thinking positive works well on my life. Then as my psychologist suggested, I did try to give it a chance. And I realized that it has a significant effect on my mental wellness and every aspect of my life. 

You should try it. Try it for 2-3 weeks. Then you’ll see the results. Please tell me what you think. I love reading your opinions. Thanks:)

I Get Anxious When I Read about Anxiety

I usually get anxious whenever I read about anxiety. Whether it’s a blog post about an anxious blogger or an article about an specific anxiety related research, it doesn’t matter, I get anxious. It also happens when I think about how anxious I am. Like right now, I’m writing this blog post. The more I write the more anxious I get.

I really wonder if you guys get anxious while reading these stuff. Please let me know.
This is somehow a bad thing. It lessens our ability to read about anxiety. And the less we know about anxiety, the less we can help ourselves.

I hope there is some way to overcome this problem. Thanks for reading:)

Could I overcome my social anxiety disorder without professional help?

Could I overcome my social phobia without professional help? The answer is simply no! I’m not being pessimistic. I’m just writing my experiences. 

Me, as a social anxiety sufferer, I had issues. But the interesting thing was I had reasons for every dumb thing that i was doing. Say I was indecisive (You may want to read Katiereablog’s blog post about indecisiveness). What were my reasons? Not loosing my friends because of saying my decisions to them. Or what if I told my decision and they didn’t pay attention? I’d consider this as humiliation. 

Having reasons for my every single dumb habit, used to make me feel like a unique person. I thought that nobody thinks like me. Or maybe I simply couldn’t leave these reasons just because I was too weak. 

A great benefit of reading anxious people’s blog is that I realize how similar we are in different aspects. I don’t feel alone. I don’t feel that I’m unique and that might be good. Cause it makes me belong to a community where I can share my experiences and get help. 

After realizing that I’m not alone and there is an illness named for my situation, personality and behaviors, I was happy to get a professional help. Actually first I thought my doctor would mock me! And this is why I’m writing this blog post. 

We usually don’t get any professional help cause first, we think it’s not that important or cause we think everyone suffers from different levels of social anxiety. Second, we think we can solve them by ourselves. No! That’s not true! We may have some important improvements but we need to see a doctor. After I visited psychiatrist, I was wondering why I hadn’t visited a doctor earlier!

Meeting new people and Anxiety 

There is another kind of feeling that I usually deal with. There is actually no problem when I meet new people and talk with them. I don’t feel anxious. But when I realize that I’m gonna meet them again or they are gonna ask for my number or it is getting kinda serious, I do get anxious.

I feel like my heart beats faster and it’s just a little bit harder to breathe. Then these thoughts come to my mind what if I meet them again. What if he is a bad person? What if he is not my type? What if he takes advantage of me? What if we fight!!I feel like I should run away right now. Even if we both are chatting, laughing and having fun, it’s all same feelings.

These feelings are annoying. To avoid them, I have two options. Or maybe more options are out there but I don’t know about them yet! (if you know any, please let me know!)

One of them is to stay at my room. My safe and sound room! Second is to go out there but don’t have any eye contact with people to avoid starting any conversation. But I usually don’t choose one and stick with it. 

I randomly change my way of dealing with these feelings. Like one week I avoid any eye contact the other week I stay at home and the other week I just go out there and talk to people and experience these annoying feelings of anxiety again.

This is my life. It has been like this since I was a little kid. I’m not like choosing one and sticking with it till the end! I’m randomly changing my way of dealing with stuff. Now the period is not important. It can be daily, weekly or monthly.

Thanks for reading. Let me know if you feel the same or if you know any nice blogs about anxiety or depression. Stay beautiful:)

The story of me, my mind and my anxiety

My mind is like a little machine which has lots of tasks running at the same time. There is a place called “back of my mind” where more tasks run lively and I have no control on stopping them. 

I’m walking to college with headphones on my ears listening to music. %20 of my mind is listening to music. %40 checking out people’s reactions when they are passing by. %30 trying to guess what they are thinking about me right now. %10 always reminding me: “No eye contact! No fuckin’ eye contact.” 

There are usually billions of (OK! Let’s just say 10s of! Or tons of) unrelated subjects passing by my mind. I have no control. This is harmful because it’s misleading. I have fallen in love because of these thoughts. 

When I first saw her, my mind was like: Oh! She is beautiful. She is in your sight. You are gonna see her for a while. Go for it! I said: Ok! She seems nice. Let’s see what happens in the future. I might go for it.  My anxiety on the other hand said: Holly shit! I can’t do it!

My mind: Just do it! What’s the harm?

Anxiety: What if she says no?

Mind: What if?

Anxiety: I’m gonna be humiliated. 

Mind: Oh! Come on!

And Me: Guys! Shut the fuck up!

Mind: but I want it…

And this struggle goes on. Leads to depression. Takes me 1.5 year to recover. And in case you want to know, I never got a chance to be with her. All because of social fuckin’ anxiety. 

Not being able to control my thoughts is harmful in different ways. It gives me headaches. I just can’t stop being awake and letting my mind think about it’s own dumb stuff so I just take some sleeping pills and sleep peacefully! But sometimes it doesn’t stop there! He thinks even when I’m sleeping. I see nightmares. Usually wake up screaming. 

There is no conclusion. Cause I’m honestly bored of overthinking. I’m doing my best to get rid of my phobias. I’m negotiating with my mind and anxiety! Telling them to leave me alone. Please share your own way of dealing with this. Thanks for your time. 🙂