9:27 am. I woke up. For a second, I was ok. Then I remembered yesterday night. All the feelings. That there was two metal plates and mind was like in between and they were pulling each other as hard as the could and another red hot metal was sticking to my stomach. This is how it feels when I lose my hope. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to be hopeful at this specific subject.
9:35 am. I’m not sleepy anymore. All the feelings from last night have been transferred to the moment. I feel them again. They won’t go away.
11:45 am. I get out home. This ismy last hope to lose all the awful feelings.
11 pm. I’m totally fine. Everything is ok now.
Recently, I’m not OK. I used to get better. Everything was working great. I was happier, more energetic and calm. But idk what happened that old anxious, depressed, uncomfortable days are coming back.
Maybe it’s because I’m thinking too much again. Maybe it’s because of Soma, the girl I used to love. I’m seeing her a lot lately. Idk why I want her to suffer. I want her to pay for… actually she didn’t do anything bad. But the fact that I even can’t blame her is killing me.
She did nothing wrong. She respectfully rejected me. But I wish she had done something wrong! I mean she gave me nothing to blame her and calm myself.
Or maybe my depression is not because of her. Maybe it’s just weekly location change that is making me feel bad.
When I’m in Urmia, I’m all on myself. I wash my dishes. I clean everything. I study. I’m like a survivor.
But when I’m in Tabriz, I’m “the only darling” there. My Mom and Dad does everything! I just do whatever seems fun to me.
Location changes make me two different person. It doesn’t change that how much I want to have single personality. I’m different person in two cities. Maybe that’s why!
Or maybe there is the other reason that I’m not aware of. I just don’t want to be old depressed anxious Pouya. I want to remain being this new energetic, calm, does-whatever-he-wants Pouya.
I didn’t believe that internet can help us make friends. I actually didn’t believe in internet friends. I thought those are not real and that’s not a friendship. She changed everything.
Her name is Youssera. I love her. I’m alone! No sisters no brothers. She offered me a sisterhood. You’ll be impressed by how she has changed my lifestyle.
Internet does bring people together. Make them connected. At least internet made us connected. I learned a lot from her.
One example is that I used to hate girls! Yea! That’s hursh! But that’s what it is. But she made me kinda forget the idea that all girls are “bad”. Oh! And she hates boys!
She is kind. She thinks cute. She likes guys with cool voices! That was strange for me at the first place. I actually thought of making my voice deeper!
She is beautiful. Her hart is beautiful. Her thoughts are beautiful.
We know each other for almost 4 years. She has been there for me at my lonely times. There were times that she was there for me when nobody was around. I’ll never forget the time she made my summer.
She is English student. She is funny. Not alll teachers are funny! She should actually add it to her CV. !
Her smile, the sound of her smile is awesome, unbelievably funny! I always laugh at her laughing sound!
She gives me this feeling that nobody else does. I feel my hart beat. A nice sense of positivity fills my body. And my brain thinks that I’m a lucky guy to be friends with her.
She played a big role on realizing what I wanted from my social life. This is a big deal since I have spent a lot of time on this.
She is my bestie as we call it that way. I believe I can’t find any other friends like her. I didn’t believe that internet can make friends.
I get bored so easily. I usually can’t stand in one place for more than some seconds. I should change my position or move to other places. So as you can imagine, sitting still in a bus is a nightmare for me. 2.5 hours road not moving! So I decided to write what I see around here in order to distract myself.
She is a cute woman. I like her. She looks like 25 or something. If she was younger I’d totally want to be her boyfriend!
Next to me there is my cousin sitting. Well he is sleeping. So we can’t talk through the road.
I think this bus is so old. Even its sits don’t have handles. And it’s coolers are mostly not working.
There is another woman sleeping there. They are lucky they can sleep and suddenly open their eyes and woohoo! We arrived! I wish that was that easy for me.
And that’s outside of the window!
And for your information, writing didn’t work! I still can’t sit still!
I was invited to my best friend’s cosin’s wedding party. But their wedding was different from ours. Cause we speak different languages! So it was my first time that I was invited to such a wedding. I didn’t know what’s gonna happen. I didn’t know what is expected from me. Nothing at all because of different cultures.
So we arrived at about 9 o’clock. The wedding was already started. Their culture is somehow different from ours as I said. At first, they do a Kurdish dance. It’s like everybody holds each other’s hands and they move around the whole place dancing. You need to know how to dance in their style. In order to do that, my friend has told me how. We have practiced for hours! But in the actual wedding, when we were dancing, I couldn’t complete it and I went out in the middle. Then I went outside of building, smoked while thinking “Did i do something wrong?!” “Why did I came out?” Then I answered myself “Because you were bored” “No, because you couldn’t dance.” “I could!” “No! You danced all wrong.” “Ok! Calm down! Nothing is wrong!” “Oh God! This is stressful! I’m gonna ruin the wedding.” And my cigarette was done.
My friend, Kashef, showed up looking for me. I like him. He is kind. He has some issues. Like he can’t tell what he likes honestly. He is not honest at all but I know that’s not his choice. He can’t help it. I have not figured out what he thinks inside his mind when not being honest yet. But I’m sure he is a nice guy.
He told me “Why have you left?!” I left because… you know why I have left. Because I was too anxious to continue dancing. But I didn’t tell him that. He asked me: “Do you want to continue dancing?” I didn’t! But I also didn’t want to get home blaming myself why I didn’t control my anxiety. So I said “Yea. Let’s continue dancing!”
I went to dance with them. This time I was better. Ok! I just felt I was better. Maybe I was not. But that’s not important. The important thing is that I went there again. And I danced! Although I wanted to get home right away but I had no choice. So I stayed.
The night turned out to be great. It was such an awesome wedding. I had so much fun then. And danced! Lol!