اشتباهِ کُهن

استرس که میگیرم، یادم میاد قرص هامو نخوردم. زود میرم یه اس‌سیتالوپرام و یه پریگابالین و پروپرانولول و دزیپرامین میخورم. بعد میشینم. منتظر میشم اثر کنن. یکی دو ساعتی طول میکشه تا تاثیر خودشونو نشون بدن. تو این یکی دو ساعت، یواشکی از حس افسردگیم لذت میبرم. آدم های افسرده یه وابستگی خاصی به این حس غم و حس سنگینی سینه دارن. درسته ازش کلافه ن، درسته همیشه از این حس ناله میکنن اما دوست ندارن تغییر کنن. این عدم تمایل به تغییر تو ذات بیماری افسردگی هست.

اشتباه نکنیم! افسردگی دو تا معنی داره. یه معنی عامیانه اش به معنی غمگین بودن، یه معنی علمی به معنی اختلالی که باعث میشه در موقعیت های مختلف، حالت پریشانی داشته باشی و نسبت به انجام دادن کار های لذت بخش، بی میل باشی. بدون دلیل احساس درد بکنی. یعنی بهت بگن بیا با آدریانا لیما یا برد پیت سکس بکن یا بغلش کن تو بگی بذا باشه برا بعد! #جدی

اینا رو گفتم چون وقتی به خیلیا میگی من اختلال افسردگی دارم میگن بابا خوب میشه. قرص چرا میخوری؟ اینا در واقع فکر میکنن افسردگی تنها یه معنی داره!(معنای عامیانه)

البته اینم بگم هاا! دلیل این که میتونم از این حس افسردگی لذت ببرم اینه که مطمئنم یکی دو ساعت بعد خوب میشم. خدا رو شکر بیشتر از یک ساله که تونستم با این بیماری کنار بیام. هر روز یک مقدار قرص مشخص میخورم و اگر مرتب بخورم اصلا احساس غم نمیکنم. همیشه شاد و سرحالم. حالا بعضیا که این تجربه رو ندارن میگن آخه اون شادی مصنوعی هست! ولی من که تجربه شو دارم باید خدمتتون عرض کنم که چیزی به نام شادی مصنوعی وجود نداره. هیچ فرقی نمیکنه این شادی با اون شادی! جدی میگم. هیچ تفاوتی نداره. تو دقیقا مثل یه شادی طبیعی شادی. خوشحالی. سرحالی. مگه آرزوی همه ی ما این نیست که شاد باشیم؟

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Old days can’t be back 

Recently, I’m not OK. I used to get better. Everything was working great. I was happier, more energetic and calm. But idk what happened that old anxious, depressed, uncomfortable days are coming back. 

Maybe it’s because I’m thinking too much again. Maybe it’s because of Soma, the girl I used to love. I’m seeing her a lot lately. Idk why I want her to suffer. I want her to pay for… actually she didn’t do anything bad. But the fact that I even can’t blame her is killing me. 

She did nothing wrong. She respectfully rejected me. But I wish she had done something wrong! I mean she gave me nothing to blame her and calm myself. 

Or maybe my depression is not because of her. Maybe it’s just weekly location change that is making me feel bad. 

When I’m in Urmia, I’m all on myself. I wash my dishes. I clean everything. I study. I’m like a survivor. 

But when I’m in Tabriz, I’m “the only darling” there. My Mom and Dad does everything! I just do whatever seems fun to me. 

Location changes make me two different person. It doesn’t change that how much I want to have single personality. I’m different person in two cities. Maybe that’s why!

Or maybe there is the other reason that I’m not aware of. I just don’t want to be old depressed anxious Pouya. I want to remain being this new energetic, calm, does-whatever-he-wants Pouya. 

What did I see in Urmia-Tabriz bus?

I get bored so easily. I usually can’t stand in one place for more than some seconds. I should change my position or move to other places. So as you can imagine, sitting still in a bus is a nightmare for me. 2.5 hours road not moving! So I decided to write what I see around here in order to distract myself.

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She is a cute woman. I like her. She looks like 25 or something. If she was younger I’d totally want to be her boyfriend!

Next to me there is my cousin sitting. Well he is sleeping. So we can’t talk through the road.

I think this bus is so old. Even its sits don’t have handles. And it’s coolers are mostly not working.

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There is another woman sleeping there. They are lucky they can sleep and suddenly open their eyes and woohoo! We arrived! I wish that was that easy for me.

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And that’s outside of the window!

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And for your information, writing didn’t work! I still can’t sit still!

How do I manage to make every single day a great one? 

I wake up, check my phone a little bit, then brush my teeth. Here comes the important part! After I’m done with my teeth, I look at the mirror and thell my self: You are gonna rock! Today is the best they ever! You’re gonna get along with people very well! And then I applause my self. I jump up and down! And start my day. I started doing this a couple of months ago and the results were unbelievably awesome. After I say “you’re gonna rock!” I do rock! I do have a great day. Those words actually work on me. 

I used to think these stuff are stupid. For my whole life I didn’t believe that thinking positive works well on my life. Then as my psychologist suggested, I did try to give it a chance. And I realized that it has a significant effect on my mental wellness and every aspect of my life. 

You should try it. Try it for 2-3 weeks. Then you’ll see the results. Please tell me what you think. I love reading your opinions. Thanks:)

I Get Anxious When I Read about Anxiety

I usually get anxious whenever I read about anxiety. Whether it’s a blog post about an anxious blogger or an article about an specific anxiety related research, it doesn’t matter, I get anxious. It also happens when I think about how anxious I am. Like right now, I’m writing this blog post. The more I write the more anxious I get.

I really wonder if you guys get anxious while reading these stuff. Please let me know.
This is somehow a bad thing. It lessens our ability to read about anxiety. And the less we know about anxiety, the less we can help ourselves.

I hope there is some way to overcome this problem. Thanks for reading:)

Could I overcome my social anxiety disorder without professional help?

Could I overcome my social phobia without professional help? The answer is simply no! I’m not being pessimistic. I’m just writing my experiences. 

Me, as a social anxiety sufferer, I had issues. But the interesting thing was I had reasons for every dumb thing that i was doing. Say I was indecisive (You may want to read Katiereablog’s blog post about indecisiveness). What were my reasons? Not loosing my friends because of saying my decisions to them. Or what if I told my decision and they didn’t pay attention? I’d consider this as humiliation. 

Having reasons for my every single dumb habit, used to make me feel like a unique person. I thought that nobody thinks like me. Or maybe I simply couldn’t leave these reasons just because I was too weak. 

A great benefit of reading anxious people’s blog is that I realize how similar we are in different aspects. I don’t feel alone. I don’t feel that I’m unique and that might be good. Cause it makes me belong to a community where I can share my experiences and get help. 

After realizing that I’m not alone and there is an illness named for my situation, personality and behaviors, I was happy to get a professional help. Actually first I thought my doctor would mock me! And this is why I’m writing this blog post. 

We usually don’t get any professional help cause first, we think it’s not that important or cause we think everyone suffers from different levels of social anxiety. Second, we think we can solve them by ourselves. No! That’s not true! We may have some important improvements but we need to see a doctor. After I visited psychiatrist, I was wondering why I hadn’t visited a doctor earlier!