I don’t actually mean what I write.

When I write, some of my thoughts change. They might get better. They might get worse. Mostly, I accept the change and agree to my changed version of thought. But those are not actually my thoughts. 

This can be because of my lack of ability to find the words or put them together exactly the way I think. Or maybe it’s simply because there are not words for those feelings to make us express ourselves better. 

Imagine I have feelings for someone. I don’t love her. I don’t have crush on her. But she is somehow attractive. She knows how to seduce! But she is not sexy. The way she talks is …. idk! I can’t do this! You get my point, right?! (PS: I was talking about real person)

Now I couldn’t quite express myself there but there is another thing. I don’t really love her. But those words make me think “Oh! Dude! You have feelings for her…” but believe me I don’t! 

So after I write my ideas down, they get changed. And I accept that changed version of ideas as my original ideas which certainly is not. And then my life changes. I change. I fall in love. I talk like I’m in love…

This also happens when I’m talking to a friend. When I put my thoughts and ideas in “word format” they change and I can do nothing about it. 

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