The story of me, my mind and my anxiety

My mind is like a little machine which has lots of tasks running at the same time. There is a place called “back of my mind” where more tasks run lively and I have no control on stopping them. 

I’m walking to college with headphones on my ears listening to music. %20 of my mind is listening to music. %40 checking out people’s reactions when they are passing by. %30 trying to guess what they are thinking about me right now. %10 always reminding me: “No eye contact! No fuckin’ eye contact.” 

There are usually billions of (OK! Let’s just say 10s of! Or tons of) unrelated subjects passing by my mind. I have no control. This is harmful because it’s misleading. I have fallen in love because of these thoughts. 

When I first saw her, my mind was like: Oh! She is beautiful. She is in your sight. You are gonna see her for a while. Go for it! I said: Ok! She seems nice. Let’s see what happens in the future. I might go for it.  My anxiety on the other hand said: Holly shit! I can’t do it!

My mind: Just do it! What’s the harm?

Anxiety: What if she says no?

Mind: What if?

Anxiety: I’m gonna be humiliated. 

Mind: Oh! Come on!

And Me: Guys! Shut the fuck up!

Mind: but I want it…

And this struggle goes on. Leads to depression. Takes me 1.5 year to recover. And in case you want to know, I never got a chance to be with her. All because of social fuckin’ anxiety. 

Not being able to control my thoughts is harmful in different ways. It gives me headaches. I just can’t stop being awake and letting my mind think about it’s own dumb stuff so I just take some sleeping pills and sleep peacefully! But sometimes it doesn’t stop there! He thinks even when I’m sleeping. I see nightmares. Usually wake up screaming. 

There is no conclusion. Cause I’m honestly bored of overthinking. I’m doing my best to get rid of my phobias. I’m negotiating with my mind and anxiety! Telling them to leave me alone. Please share your own way of dealing with this. Thanks for your time. 🙂

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6 thoughts on “The story of me, my mind and my anxiety

  1. this is so interesting, i don’t know how old you are but you remind me of my older son, also at college.
    have you tried therapy?
    It took my boy years to admit he needed help, has now been in therapy once a week for about a year, he has a brilliant therapist who has been so good in helping. He has learned to talk, recognise triggers, understand that he is not mad even though he may at times feel it…
    I donno. Your thoughts?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a lot for reading, I’m 20 years old boy studying biology and It has been two months since I visited a psychologist, I visit her weekly and also I’m using medicine which I think they are so helpful (I mean medicine). I’m an anxious person and a little bit depressed. but i think I’m getting better since I’m using medication. they make me sociable, lessen my social phobia..

      Like

      1. same age as my son, well, he is 21. He also struggles with anxiety and depression, takes meds, has learnt to talk, medication definitely helps, exercise helps, no coffee, no coke!!! (he drinks a ton of coffee). but interesting, he studies medicine, I think clever people generally struggle with this stuff. it does one day level out and suddenly you’ll be great!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s great to see people in my situation are getting better. exercise definitely helps but it’s not my thing.. There is a book called: The Feeling Good by David Burns. it discusses anxiety and stuff. nice one!

        Liked by 1 person

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