My mind is like a little machine which has lots of tasks running at the same time. There is a place called “back of my mind” where more tasks run lively and I have no control on stopping them.
I’m walking to college with headphones on my ears listening to music. %20 of my mind is listening to music. %40 checking out people’s reactions when they are passing by. %30 trying to guess what they are thinking about me right now. %10 always reminding me: “No eye contact! No fuckin’ eye contact.”
There are usually billions of (OK! Let’s just say 10s of! Or tons of) unrelated subjects passing by my mind. I have no control. This is harmful because it’s misleading. I have fallen in love because of these thoughts.
When I first saw her, my mind was like: Oh! She is beautiful. She is in your sight. You are gonna see her for a while. Go for it! I said: Ok! She seems nice. Let’s see what happens in the future. I might go for it. My anxiety on the other hand said: Holly shit! I can’t do it!
My mind: Just do it! What’s the harm?
Anxiety: What if she says no?
Mind: What if?
Anxiety: I’m gonna be humiliated.
Mind: Oh! Come on!
And Me: Guys! Shut the fuck up!
Mind: but I want it…
And this struggle goes on. Leads to depression. Takes me 1.5 year to recover. And in case you want to know, I never got a chance to be with her. All because of social fuckin’ anxiety.
Not being able to control my thoughts is harmful in different ways. It gives me headaches. I just can’t stop being awake and letting my mind think about it’s own dumb stuff so I just take some sleeping pills and sleep peacefully! But sometimes it doesn’t stop there! He thinks even when I’m sleeping. I see nightmares. Usually wake up screaming.
There is no conclusion. Cause I’m honestly bored of overthinking. I’m doing my best to get rid of my phobias. I’m negotiating with my mind and anxiety! Telling them to leave me alone. Please share your own way of dealing with this. Thanks for your time. 🙂