It’s 3:05 am. I’m usually awake at this time though I have class tomorrow morning. There is this feeling of missing in my heart. It’s like my heart has become black and it’s not pumping anymore. A black heart which whole on it. This is my imagination of my heart right now. I usually imagine my heart in different colors and shapes when I’m in different moods. Since I’m using anti-depressants, when I forget taking my pills, I have a feeling of missing someone. But in that case Idk who I am missing. It’s just a missing feel. So it’s not real and it’s only because I’ve forgotten taking my pills. But now I’m really missing a real person.
Usually at this time of night I feel like writing. This time I feel like writing directly to her but it’s lame to post it on my weblog because why should I post a personal letter?! Plus this way in which I’m not directly addressing her, is easier for me to talk about my feelings. When u talk about them u feel better.
Usually when I ask myself why do I love her, I don’t have a clear answer. Maybe it’s checmistry or biological hormones and biomulculs that makes me feel like this so in this case no clear answer will ever be found. But maybe there is a real answer! Maybe it’s because she is so pretty. But honestly there r lots of other pretty girls out there. Why her? Maybe she is special. But honestly everyone is special. I hate inexpressive and incommensurable reasons behind this feeling of liking someone. I feel better when I find the actual reason. I always think the actual reason should actually be explained biologically specially in the way of evolution. Why do we feel we like someone? I don’t know!
What I do know is that I like her. It’s actually more than liking. It’s love. But I’m usually hesitant when it comes to love. There is this thing going in back of my head which says: is it really love? I actually don’t know what the “real love” is. What is its difference with liking someone a lot. What r the factors of the “real love”? Maybe I should google it. I’m sure there r lots of false articles about it.
Anyways, when it comes to love, I always compare it with the similar (not same) feelings I had with other 3 girls! Wow! It’s a lot! First one was really basic and immature. It was just a feeling of kindness towards a girl. I don’t call it love. I think never did. Second one was a little more mature but still is was so premature. I used to think about her all day and I couldn’t let it go. But I think she didn’t even know about my existence! It was just a crush. Or was it?! Was it more than a crush? Idk. It actually happened at my teenage ages when my hormones were not so much perfectly in control. But surely it was not love. 3rd one was better than the other two cos I actually tried to attract her! Again I used to think about her all day but I never thought of marriage. U know when u love someone, u think about marriage at least daydream about it. I never daydreamed about marrying any of those 3 girls. I knew it was not possible. I actually didn’t try to make it possible even in my dreams. Btw, at the 3rd one, I knew this feeling is gonna pass after a while. Although it took a year and half for it to pass! The question is: do u think about ur crush all day for a year and half? It was actually more than a crush but in order for it to be a “love” we should have been in a relationship. I don’t believe in love at the first sight! So just like that, I cannot clame that I am in love with someone if I’m not even talking to her. I think all these were something like immature and basic kind of love. Not completely love but apparently something more than a crush.
Now it’s different than all those three. This one is different. Yes! People always say it! This one is different. I do say it too. It really is. I’m talking to her. I love her. She claims she loves me. But I think still it’s not love at its %100 power. It can be stronger than this and it will get stronger if we actually get married and see and touch each other everyday. If we hug and kiss everyday our love will be more powerful and grow. It still has the potential to grow. To be a real love. Not that now it’s not a real love! It is. But it’s just not at its full potential.
Friends, pray for us.